Sharp Corners

In the interest of maintaining harmony with my snarky, turnip-brained, wholly devoid of any common sense ex-husband, I can’t bring myself to give him the verbal assualt he has coming to him so I will inflict it on my fair readers instead. I have never IN MY LIFE known anyone who whines louder, makes more excuses for things or is more self righteous and self centered than this guy. While we were married, it was common for him to blame me for everything including, but not limited to: the national debt, toe jam, the Peloponnesian War and his Great Aunt Polly’s sciatica. However when it came time to discuss any trifling shortcoming of his own, he was quick to trot out "It wasn’t me" until he sounded like Shaggy at the American Music Awards. So, now that you have the background:

I’ve repeatedly asked him to look into something for me for the last six weeks and gotten virtually no response on the matter. I emailed a formerly mutual friend of ours to see if she had the info I needed and damn skippy if that didn’t get his attention. I was promptly informed in a vehement email from him that I should "excercise some patience" (Didn’t he learn anything in 12 years of wedded non-bliss? I barely know how to spell patience.). I was also reminded that he has been "working his fingers to the bone and is both physically and mentally exhausted" and I should "cut him a slight break." Ohhhh, baby, break you? Don’t tempt me. (Do you see how I glossed right over "mentally exhausted" without saying something like: "with the cerebral gymnastics it must take to tie your own shoes, it’s no wonder you’re ‘mentally exhausted’." I’m such a good girl.) His next sentence started with, "After all I’ve done for you…" at which point I quit reading. Because maintaining a working relationship with this turd guy is important for my sons, I will do what I must even if it means slamming Tequila shots after dealing with him. Although I won’t do it, I really want to send him just a simple note: Get. Over. Yourself.

1) I am unreasonably terrified of heights.

2) I am unreasonably terrified of cockroaches (or, as people in FL like to say: “Palmetto bugs”….they’re ROACHES, people).

3) My middle name is Michelle.

4) I like to cook but hate to bake (well, baking IS cooking but, you know what I mean).

5) I am happily divorced.

6) I am disgusted when someone is rude to an elderly person. Tell me, when is there ever an excuse for that?

7) I keep secrets very, very well.

8) One of my favorite concoctions is Kraft Macaroni & Cheese mixed with cream of mushroom soup, canned peas and Open Pit barbeque sauce all mixed together. Mmmmm.

9) I appreciate directness in people.

10) I have no time for whiners.

11) I’ve never seen “Friends” or “Sex in the City.”

12) I haven’t ridden a bike in more than ten years.

13) I love going out to dinner. Anywhere.

14) I dislike talking on the phone.

15) All my children were born at home.

16) Each time, I threatened to kill anyone who counted to ten or screamed “Push!”

17) I am a klutz. A huge klutz.

18) I like bananas but can’t stand banana flavored things.

19) I don’t like food smells in anything other than food so keep your mango scented lotions away from me.

20) I am spoiled by Florida’s sunsets, beaches, oranges and it’s laid-back lifestyle.

21) I think well on my feet.

22) I never, ever want to hurt people’s feelings.

23) But it happens anyway.

24) I’m very impatient. Well, maybe not impatient. Just fidgety.

25) I can pick up just about anything with my toes.

26) I learned that from my mother.

27) It makes my boyfriend laugh.

28) I’d do anything to make him laugh.

29) I think I’m the only person in the history of the world who didn’t like “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood.” Blech.

30) I once applied for a job and was told they’d get back to me “after they checked with their cats.” I swear it.

31) I’m never tardy.

32) At seven years old, I had a seventh grade reading ability.

33) The world would be a better place if people took responsibility for things instead of passing the buck.

34) I don’t like pie.

35) People underestimate me nearly 100% of the time.

36) That’s just fine with me.

37) I once slept on the floor of my bedroom for weeks when I was a kid so I wouldn’t have to make my bed.

38) I make my bed every morning now.

39) There are many things I find amusing that most people don’t.

40) I don’t own an electric can opener because I don’t like things cluttering my kitchen.

41) I wish people were happier. Most people seem so sad, bored or lonely.

42) I love snakes.

43) I was directly affected by Hurricane Charley.

44) I’m SO opinionated.

45) I can barely tolerate shoes, socks drive me insane. Thank god everyone in Florida goes barefoot.

46) I grew up on the 53rd floor of a high rise in downtown Chicago.

47) Did I mention I’m terrified of heights?

48) I am most happy when it’s warm, sunny and I feel free to be me.

49) I am most unhappy when it’s cold, overcast and I have to conform.

50) When giving me directions somewhere that requires me to make more than three turns, I have to write it down or I will get lost.

51) I used to really like roasted cow’s tongue the way my grandmother used to make it but feeling the tastebuds when I ate it really grossed me out.

52) I am thoroughly impressed by integrity and character.

53) I never wear fingernail polish.

54) I always wear toenail polish.

55) I used to love rollercoasters.

56) Now I wouldn’t get on one if you paid me.

57) I have several tattoos and plan on getting more.

58) When I meet a genuinely good person who doesn’t think much of themselves, it breaks my heart.

59) I can’t stand people who have to tell me what they think all the time.

60) I generally keep my opinions to myself (except on my blog, natch).

61) I know almost every line in the movies “Airplane” and “Raising Arizona.”

62) I’ve never been one to get all hysterical if one of my kids falls down or gets a minor injury.

63) I used to speak sign language fluently but haven’t used the skill in years.

64) I don’t think I would like to be around someone like me.

65) But I don’t have low self esteem.

66) I don’t understand the attraction of Hugh Grant, Mel Gibson or Sean Connery.

67) I’ve always wanted someone to write a song or poem about me.

68) I usually have no trouble telling identical twins apart.

69) In the end, I will regret very few things in life.

70) I don’t trust people very often or very easily.

71) The smell of peanut butter cookies or popcorn makes me ill.

72) I don’t care for cereal or soup but I’ll eat both.

73) It doesn’t take much to make me happy.

74) But it takes a long time to undo hurt.

75) I don’t like oysters.

76) I love sushi.

77) I don’t own any credit cards and never will.

78) I’m pretty sure most people think I’m a flake. But I’m not.

79) I think palm trees are the most beautiful thing in nature.

80) My kids have never had Pop Tarts.

81) I’m sort of militant about their diet.

82) But they get their fair share of junk food anyway.

83) I have a really short attention span so writing this list is killing me.

84) I get ravenously hungry every day at 10:30 AM.

85) That’s a good thing because I don’t care for breakfast foods.

86) I could live without TV very easily.

87) But I like watching movies.

88) I hate making lunches for the boys everyday but their school has no cafeteria.

89) I mean I really hate making lunches every day.

90) The “Marriage of Figaro” Bugs Bunny/Elmer Fudd episode is the funniest thing ever.

91) Every year I get frustrated that peppermint ice cream is only available at Christmas.

92) I like my hair a lot. Usually.

93) I don’t like leftovers. Especially cold leftovers.

94) I could easily drop $1,000 at a make up counter or a bookstore.

95) There is nothing that would ever make me turn away from my children.

96) I hope they grow up knowing that.

97) If my food gets jumbled together on a plate, I won’t eat it (#8 is the exception).

98) I love wearing hats.

99) I skipped my high school graduation.

100) I will be genuinely surprised if anyone reads this whole list.

To the driver of the red Hummer who followed me down Main Street this afternoon:

Were you trying to introduce yourself to my family via the backdoor of my van? Was there a particular reason you felt the need to ride my back bumper while I cruised through the school zone as students were crossing the road? With the money you have that allows you to buy a $100,000 SUV, it clearly still isn’t enough to allow you to purchase a brain cell or two. I’m all for driving a little fast here and there but if you think I’m going to speed up or get out of the way just so you can make it to your Power Lunch, you are mistaken. There were a hundred little kids swarming the sidewalks and I can’t imagine any of them would have looked good crushed beneath my Firestone Radials. As a result of your obnoxious tailgaiting I took great pride in letting 27 cars pull in ahead of me at the next intersection and I hope you especially appreciated the fact that we got to follow along behind a school bus making stops for the next half mile. Really, it was my pleasure. Oh, and hang up your freakin’ phone.

Signed,

The gal in the minivan.

Has there ever been a more obnoxious Christmas song than "The Little Drummer Boy?" Honest to god, if I survive this holiday season without driving off the road in a hostile rage over this stuipd funeral march of a song it will be a miracle. The DJs at one radio station in particular ("Welcome to WTF-FM, where we only play the shit that’s guaranteed to get on your nerves") must be under some contractual obligation to play this song every nine minutes or the ghost of Wolfman Jack will come back to haunt them. I’d love to just change the station but it usually comes on when I’m in the shower and by the time I’ve manipulated the weensy dial on the shower radio the hot water has run out. Either that or I’m stuck listening to Petula Clark belt out "Don’t Sleep in the Subway" (no kidding…ya think? You could get mugged.) because I can’t read the dial without my contacts in.

Things are no better in the van as I drive the kids to and from school. The geniuses at Ford thought it would be a good idea to allow backseat riders to have control of the radio dials. Obviously they didn’t have children. If I try to whiz through the pre-set buttons to catch Duran Duran (you know…good music) on the 80′s station SOMEONE is always playing that stupid Drummer Boy song causing Son Three to pounce on the controls while Sons One and Two squeal, "Find it! Find it! We want to hear that one!" Grrrrr. As far as I’m concerned, this god-awful song fest can’t end soon enough so we can get back to the music that really matters: fine bands from the 80′s like The Cure and Soft Cell.