Sharp Corners

How can I, at 36 years old and in full possession of my faculties, screw up microwave cooking three times in four hours? I mean, it’s not like I have to cook food over an open fire while rotating it on a spit. Now, in fairness to me, the first problem really wasn’t my fault. No. Really. At six o’clock this morning I was minding my own business when Son Two announced he wanted to make himself some toast. He’s proficient in toaster oven usage and has only burned himself that one time but the skin grafting was a success so it’s okay (kidding!!). I knew something was up when it smelled like the entire house was on fire and I turned around to discover he’d put the bread in the microwave and tried to nuke it for a full minute. Good lord, the smoke! By the way, did you know that bread becomes the consistency of concrete when nuked for long periods? They ought to make bullet proof vests out of the stuff. Anyway, once the boys were off to school, I decided to heat up a Campbells’ Soup At Hand (classic tomato, of course….but how are we supposed to get the crackers through the little sipping hole?). Halfway into the cooking time, the damn thing was overflowing like someone had sacrificed a virgin to Mount Vesuvius. So much for the soup. Fast forward to ten o’clock. Now I’m faint with hunger, ready to gnaw off the buttons of my shirt, so I whip out a Stouffer’s frozen dinner (vegetable lasgna, don’t ya know). Halfway through it’s cooking time, the plastic tray is melting and the top layer of cheese is black. Now, I’ll tell you a secret. I was so hungry I dug under the cheese like I was excavating for gold and snarfed the half cooked noodles underneath. God, it was gross but aren’t you just thrilled to know it? Ah, the wonders of anonymous blogging. So as of right now (1:40 PM) I’ve had about four bites of leathery noodles and twenty six cups of coffee. Not good. Oh, and before you ask: yes, I actually have real, unprocessed food in the house that doesn’t require nuking but where’s the fun in that?

This entry was posted on Friday, November 19th, 2004 at 1:43 pm and is filed under Brain lint. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.