You need to stay at least six feet from your monitor as you read this. I’ve been sneezing, had a sore throat and was kind of achy so I probably have the Avian Flu. I really tried to be chipper today but ten minutes in the company of customer service people who are paid to be perky but are transparent as glass made me want to upchuck on their Reeboks.
My bank, part of a huge nationwide chain, apparently pays their employees according to how many times they say "thank you."
"Thank you for stopping by today!" Um, do you know of another way for me to make a deposit? Carrier pigeon, perhaps?
"Thank you for filling out the deposit slip ahead of time!" Yes, well, I’m anal that way. I also have my mortgage checks prewritten and stamped for the next thirteen years. Are you impressed by that too?
"Thank you for using Bank of Interminable Happiness today! You have a wonderful day!" I feel like crap so why don’t you shut your face?
Next, I ran headlong into the nearby grocery store where their employees can always be counted on to be somewhere between half-asleep and totally comatose. But, oh nooooo, not today. Today the cashier felt compelled to comment on every single item as she rang them up.
"Oh! Italian bread! This is really good." Wonderful. Take it. I’ll buy it for you, just stop yapping.
"Wow! Three boys, huh? Are they all yours?" No, the youngest is actually a girl, the other two I grabbed from the back bed of a pickup truck as it drove through the parking lot because I’m lonely.
"This is a huge bottle of cold medicine!" Yes, it is. I plan on using it to drink myself into a stupor before this conversation is over.
Before I could pay for my purchases, I had such a sneezing fit I nearly herniated a disc. Finally, finally, the cashier caught on that I wasn’t feeling so swell. I resisted the urge to swipe my hand across my nose before handing her my debit card.
The good news, however, is that after a couple cans of chicken soup and the unexpected sale this afternoon of one of my articles for a most definitely unexpected sum of money, I am feeling quite in the pink. But just to be on the safe side, I’ll avoid the bank and the grocery store for a few days.