Sharp Corners

A little more than a week into it, I’ve decided that I should be paying my employer for allowing me to work there. I’m so freakin’ happy. Happy, I am. Happy am I. Elated. Delighted. H-A-P-P-Y.

:::tick, tock:::

I was going to stop right there and hit "publish." I mean, what more can I say? I’m having the time of my life. Well, there is more that I can say. When I commented that this was the perfect job, I meant it in every sense of the word. Aside from being perfect for me in the perceptible sense (location, job responsibilities, etc.), it has also been the most fulfilling week I’ve had in… Ever.

Today I saw the result of the first project I was given by my new employer. I had no idea how things would turn out: good, bad, so-so, possibly horrifying. It was trial by fire, sink or swim, and every other metaphor that could possibly apply. I walked in to work this morning and was greeted with said results and one very happy employer. There isn’t a drug on the planet that could have matched the rush I felt those first few minutes. If I may be so bold: I’m so damn proud of myself I could plotz.

I have just enough responsibility to challenge me but not enough to be overwhelming. I am pushed just far enough out of my comfort zone that I can’t fly on auto-pilot but not so much that I’m overly anxious. I am allowed to be creative in the extreme but not expected to perform miracles. I have enough independence to feel that I am in charge of my professional life but not so much that I feel isolated from my peers. My favorite thing, though, is the sense that the final piece of the puzzle that has been my life for the past fifteen or so years has fallen into place.

I could go on and on filling you in on the whole backstory of my life and, in fact, I did just that and then erased everything. The point is, how I got to where I am and how I felt during the process is not important. What’s is important is how I feel now. And I feel fantastic.

I have an independence now that I haven’t had in nearly twenty years. I am my own microcosm. I am my own self sustaining village. I have choices and I have options that I’ve never had before. But most of all, I have confidence. My god, people, I have a confidence that I haven’t had since I was an idealistic twenty year old who planned on conquering the world and enjoying life to the fullest every minute of the day.

Somewhere, in the deepest places in my heart, I’ve always believed in myself but really thought I was spitting into the wind. I felt alone no matter how many people I was with. I felt like I was jumping up and down, pleading for fate to just give me a chance to prove to everyone myself that I can do "it." "It" was intangible. "It" was more of a concept than a diagram. "It" was something I couldn’t define but felt in my bones. I just needed someone to take a chance on me so I could take a chance on myself.

Even if the bottom drops out on this job and I’m unemployed next week, I will be forever grateful that I had the chance to feel this way at least once in my life. I may crash and burn (though it’s not likely) but that’s okay. I’ve enjoyed this week so much that I will treasure it forever as proof that I was right about myself all along.

I’m certain that I will be working my ass off for the next few months. I’m certain there will be days when I wonder why the hell I’m doing this. I’m certain there will be times when I want to just chuck it all and go work at a gas station. But I’m also certain that, for as long as I have this job and for many years after I’ve moved past it, I will carry a satisfaction I’ve waited all my life to have. Life experiences don’t mean anything unless you can learn from them. This week I have learned that I will never let myself get to a point again where circumstance shakes my self confidence. Absolutely ne-ver.

I rarely sit here and write with tears streaming down my face because, until today, they would likely have been tears of frustration. Today I cry because I am overwhelmed by the chance I have been given and thrilled by the knowledge that independence and happiness are not mutually exclusive. I have options. I have opportunity. I have confidence. But most of all, I have my life. Together. All at once. And I did it myself.

No, dear readers, I have not deserted you. I have been hurrying and scurrying because somebody mentioned something about some holiday that’s coming up that requires gifting.

So, there’s that. And…ummmm…..something else I was going to tell you….hmmmm. Damn, now what was it?

Oh!

Oh,yes! Now I remember.

The job.

If I were granted the ability to choose a job for myself and design everything about it according to my specifications, I could not have done better than the employment offer I received this week. Every detail of this job, from location to salary has left me stupefied at my incredible good fortune.

The last thing I want to do is be intentionally vague with all of you wonderful readers who’ve been so supportive all these months but, the internet being what it is, I simply cannot offer more of an explanation without making it too easy to pinpoint where I live (and since I’ve finally driven off that toothless hairy guy that used to ask me if I would waggle my eyebrows at him so he could, er, indulge himself, I’ve learned to value my privacy). I’ve amassed quite the voluntary mailing list lately, though, so I’ll drop you all a personal note instead.

I have a lot to do between now and Monday so if I don’t surface until early next week, don’t worry. I’m having the time of my life.