You know, I don’t know why some things are so hard for people to figure out. Just because I’ve put something somewhere in the common area of my home that was obviously produced for a specific use, what makes people think they can, you know, use it?
My couch has a few pretty nice throw pillows and I’ve arranged them the way I like, so what makes visitors sit down on the sofa and start rearranging them as if I’d put them there for personal comfort? If they’re in your way, sit on the floor.
Likewise, I have a beautiful tea service but I drink from mugs that look like I robbed a 1950s Howard Johnson dinette. Sadly, I can’t even claim I “save the good stuff for company” because I usually make people bring their own cutlery for meals in my home. Okay, not really. Well, not usually.
It’s not that weird, you know. If I sometimes act like I’m expecting Colin Powell to arrive any second for a military inspection, it’s only because I want things in my house just so. Ask anyone who’s ever been in my kitchen. Mixing bowls get one cabinet to themselves, serving bowls another. Each pantry shelf has its own designated food groups and spices get a shelf near the stove. They are not, however, to co-mingle with unrefrigerated condiments. Ever. In fact, my boyfriend came over one day bearing gifts of jam and honey. He casually put them near the spices and I had them off the shelf and in the correct spot (in the pantry, next to the canned goods, but to the right of the pasta) before he could say, “Dear god, woman, what is your problem?”
I realized recently I was beginning to lose my grip on reality just a little bit when he happened to put his cap on the hat rack in my bedroom one afternoon. At first I said nothing, I just calmly walked over, removed it, and put it on my dresser. When he looked at me questioningly, I mentioned the hat rack was for decoration only and not meant to be used. I couldn’t tell if he was going to laugh or have me committed.
“But it’s a hat rack,” he said.
“Yes, but it’s only there to look nice. It looks nice, don’t you think?”
“Well, yes,” he answered, “but it’s a HAT rack. And I put my HAT there.”
“I know, but you can’t.”
“But you have things hanging on the hat rack already!” he said.
“What? Oh, the jacket? It’s for decoration. So is the scarf. And the sweater too. Decoration.”
Gently, as if talking to a small child, he pointed out, “But you have… a hat…on your hat rack.”
“Yes, but it’s a decorative hat.”
To his credit, he tried one last time, “But I wasn’t going to leave it there for good.”
“I know,” I said. “But it looks better on my dresser.”
I smiled as sweetly as a I could to someone who doesn’t understand the difference between a decorative hat and one that is actually worn by a real person. Then I decided to make lunch.
Before leaving the room, I pointed to the master bathroom and said, “Oh, by the way, I hung some pretty new hooks on my bathroom wall. Don’t even think about using them.”
If you think I’m a bit of a control freak about the stuff that adorns my home, wait until you hear about what I do with the food on my plate.
OMG ! YOU TOO ?!?!?! Now I feel better….. He’ll catch on. Just give him time.
[...] If you’ve been around a while, you already know about my food issues and decorating neurosis, but you may not know I’m a neat freak to the extreme. I make my bed every morning, [...]