You know, I really need to stop posting in invisible ink.
I’ve been up to my greying hairline in work and end-of-the-year school stuff and the minute I got some free time, did I write something up for this site? No, I bailed on every last one of you and took my kids camping instead. (Of course, my Twitter followers knew that already). We had a terrific time and we learned new things about ourselves and each other. For instance, judging by how much time we spent in the pool, I’ve learned my kids are part guppy (don’t go there). They learned I can cook pretty much anything but spaghetti on a table top grill.
Anyway, the trip was fun but the memories and details are probably more interesting to me than my readers so instead I’ll tell you about something you’re likely to enjoy much more. The day I won the Stupidest Customer Ever Award because, really, when does it ever get old to laugh at me?
I’ve been having Internet connection problems recently which, given the nature of my work, you know just overjoys me. My ISP has potentially the stupidest, most unreliable employees I’ve ever encountered in my life (with the possible exception of Sprint because, really, that whole company just needs to die). Here’s a prime example of just how stupid the people at my ISP are: when I first moved into this house, they showed up to install the cable/phone/Internet four days in a row. I’m not saying it took them four days to do it, I’m saying that Tech One showed up on Monday, finished the job and left. Tuesday, Tech Two showed up to install my cable, never knowing Tech One had been here. The same thing happened again on Wednesday. And Thursday. Friday I set up coffee and donuts at the front door and waited with a banner that said “Take one and GO AWAY!” but of course that’s the day they never showed.
The customer service reps at my ISP are dumber than a boxful of termites (and just as obnoxious), but the techs are usually pretty nice — though not much smarter. Technician Du Jour showed up on time (amazing!) last week to figure out what was going on with my equipment so I led him straight to my office and gave him an extremely detailed description of what I’d done, what what wrong, what did work, and what didn’t. He tinkered with wires, jiggled connections, and even replaced the modem twice. No luck.
While waiting for someone at his mothership to flip some switches, he looked around my office at the mass of computers (six, just in plain view) and assorted gadgetry. I could tell he was thinking of a tactful way to ask why on earth I had so much stuff. Finally, he said, “So….are all these computers, you know, like, on?”
“Yes.”
“Oh. Um, do you use them all?” he asked
“Yes.” (I like to toy with the techs sometimes. Does that make me a bad person?)
Finally he just blurted out, “WHY?” but at least he had the decency to look sheepish.
“I use them for work. You see, I write about technology and I use them to do different things, depending on what I’m working on.” (Actually, I use one of them mostly just to watch tv, but I didn’t tell him that…sssshhh.)
“Ohhhhh, so you must be, like, you know, smart and stuff. [Ed.- Uh, no.]You must know all about this Internet stuff then. That’s why you knew how to try all that stuff with the modem.”
“Um, yeah.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him, “No, actually, I knew to try those things because in the five years I’ve had your service it sucks so bad that I’ve learned all this crap along the way from the two hundred technicians I’ve met from your company!”
The poor guy started squirming and fidgeting as if I was going to start quizzing him on the modem’s schematics or ask him to describe fiber optics in fine detail. Finally, mopping sweat off his forehead, he said he had no idea what to do, that all he could do was put in a temporary fix. He was, however, scheduling me for a follow-up visit next week. When I asked him what those techs would do, he told me he was going to have them install more cable outlets. To fix the Internet connection problem. Seriously.
I asked what good he thought that would do, and he admitted he had no idea. Then he suggested I call an electrician. Dear God.
I just wanted this social event to end so I thanked him and said I looked forward to next week’s visit, maybe I’d have cable installed in my kitchen or something. As a gesture of good will, before leaving he made a sweeping gesture toward my computers and said, “You’re smart, maybe we should hire you to run our tech calls.” Geez, if all it took was a desk full of computers to impress him, I know a bunch of gals he ought to meet. But, he was kind for saying so.
The second he was gone, I ran back to my office to get back online since I’d already been off for several hours. His “temporary fix” didn’t work! I ran back outside and jumped in front of his truck before he could pull away. I let him know that what he’d done to get me back online hadn’t worked and he needed to fix his fix. He apologized profusely and came back inside, anxious to address whatever was wrong.
I forgot to plug in the modem.
Damn.
Posted by Lisa Hoover 
