My boys and I are members of a homeschooling group in the area. I received an email today that went out to the entire membership “warning” me that June 6th is “Gay Day” at Disneyworld and that it might “flow into the entire weekend.” If you know me, you know that even typing those hateful words ties my stomach in knots. I am passionate about a lot of things, but gay rights is top of my list so you can imagine this email makes me rabid.
I’m not entirely sure what to do.
I have read over the agreement members must sign in order to join this group and there’s nothing to indicate that I should have anticipated this email. My knee-jerk reaction is to instantly remove my family from the group because this type of hate goes against everything I believe in and stand for — hate directed at any group, lifestyle choice, ethnicity, etc. I want nothing to do with anyone who would spit out vile crap like this, particularly around my children. Furthermore, I don’t want to support (and pay to be in) a group that condones this kind of talk from its membership, and allows its email list to be used as a soapbox.
On the other hand, why should my family be the ones to leave? We are paid-in-full members with as much right to be there as anyone else. Besides, I feel as if silence is as good as acceptance of this situation. I also get the irony that if I sent out an email shouting (this email was typed in bolded size-48 font, by the way) a warning that next week was “White Day” and everyone ought to bar the doors and save the children, you can bet they’d bounce me out on my ass.
I’m truly at a loss as to what to do about this. On the one hand, I live in the real world and know that people discriminate or are hateful about a lot of things, not just lifestyles that are different from theirs. I’m not a 16-year old emo-girl filled with angst at the unfairness and repression facing the human race. Neither am I a self-righteous, smug 20 year-old who hasn’t yet figured out that the world doesn’t spin on her personal axis.
I’m just a regular middle-aged woman who believes no one should suffer — knowingly or unknowingly — at the hands of fools. I’m just an average mother who wants her children to grow up to live in a world where this kind of talk is actively discouraged, not ignored, and do what I can to make it so.
Here’s what I don’t want:
~ To try and change anyone’s mind or this group’s email policies. It won’t happen, which sickens me on a number of levels.
~ To start a fight within the group.
~ To ignore the email.
~ To teach my children that it’s okay to spout utter filth as long as its “part of their doctrine / belief system / values, etc.”
~ To send a message to my children that it’s permissible to run away from a situation simply because you don’t like what you hear, rather than find a way to deal with it in a way everyone can live with.
Here’s what I do want:
~ To be treated as fairly and respectfully as I treat other members of this group whose beliefs differ from mine.
~ To teach my children by example the right way to respond to these kinds of situations.
~ For my children to understand that my acceptance of others isn’t a moving target and shouldn’t be for them either.
~ For my children to learn that I mean it when I say we are accepting of all lifestyle choices, and know that I will support them just as vocally in their future choices.
In case you’re wondering why I don’t just “find another group,” it’s because they simply don’t exist around here. Though there is an active homeschooling community here, there are only two support groups to choose from and, incredibly, the other makes this group look like the most accepting people on the planet (yes, I live in a very narrow-minded part of the country).
Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Several months ago I was sitting with a number of mothers as our children participated in a group activity. For some reason, the conversation turned to Girl Scouts and one woman said she would never allow her children to join a troop. “They let those disgusting lesbian sickos teach those poor young girls now. There’s no telling what they will do if you turn your back for one second,” she said. The only thing that kept me from climbing across the table at her was the knowledge that murder is a felony and I was out in broad daylight with seven witnesses.
I later asked several people whose opinion I respect what I should have done besides bite my tongue in half, but none of us could come up with a good response. Unfortunately, that’s left me in the spot I am today — not knowing how to respond to this kind of hate.
So I’ll put this question out to my GLBT friends, and anyone else who would like to help me figure this out.What should I do? Nothing, since it won’t make a difference in the long run, or say something because not enough people do?
Comments, as you might expect, will be moderated. I will approve all comments as long as they are respectful, thoughtful, or helpful, even if we don’t agree on the topic at hand.
My suggestion: Send an e-mail to the whole group saying that you support gay rights, and you find the earlier e-mail offensive. No need to be confrontational or angry about the whole thing, just state your point of view and see how things shake out.
I think you have two approaches: public, and private.
Public: Craft a message similar to your two bullet lists above. Make it clear that homeschoolers themselves are often the target of hate (“crazy religious freaks,” “misguided parents,” to name a few) and that you’d hate to see similar speech protected within the group.
Private: If you are paying to be in this group, and there are guidelines about this sort of speech, write a sincere letter to the leadership. End with something such as “… and I leave it up to you to enforce the group’s guidelines and protect every member from unwarranted hate speech.”
Either way, you’re not going to change the note-poster’s mind, but you know that already. You don’t need to change his/her mind. You (and the group administration who is taking MONEY) only need to hold them accountable for the words they say.
I hear these kinds of things all the time from certain of my family members, and it extends to xenophobia and politics. It disgusts me, and I call them on it each and every time. I can’t say if it’s making a difference, but I can say that I feel better for having taken a stand. In that, I suspect you’re a lot like me. It’s the silence that hurts you.
So go make some noise. I’m on your side.
I’m not GLBT and I don’t have kids, but I do know Internet email lists, and I would agree with Mitch. Personally I’d leave it — there’s tons of ignorance in the world, and there’s better places to fight it than on a homeschooling email list. But if it’s really tearing you up inside, there’s nothing wrong with sending an email that says you think the last email was fairly offensive and/or political, and that you’d prefer the list kept to the subject of homeschooling, rather than events that seemed unrelated to you.
And then (the hard part), I’d ignore anything that came after. It might erupt into a flame war, and especially if you want to stay on the list, I’d stay out of the fire and let it blow over.
That’s a tough one. I’ve found myself in similar situations, on a different topic (although gay rights is a hot-button for me as well). In order to avoid a flame war, or risk polarizing the group, I would send an e-mail to the group moderator, and copy the person who sent the e-mail. I would state that you found the comment to be politically motivated, personally offensive, and one that has nothing to do with the group’s purpose. Another thing you may wish to add is a request to define if the forum is open to this sort of commentary, including counterpoints, so that you may present your own view in the future. Then just wait and see how the moderator handles it. That will tell you a lot about whether you feel it’s an appropriate group for you and your kids.
I know your pain. I live in a very conservative area, and am about as far to the left as one can be. Sometimes it puts me in some very difficult and awkward situations. I generally just go for the smack-down comment, but that’s usually not very constructive… I hope that gives at least some help…
I’m with Crystal and Woody on this. I’d send a reply to the group making it clear that the earlier message was inappropriate for the group and in opposition to the values of tolerance and respect you’re trying to teach your children. And I’d work with the group leaders on establishing an acceptable use policy.
Equal rights is one of my push-button issues as well, Lisa — as is mutual respect. One statement in response that will stop all but the worst of the haters, is “You may not know that I have beloved members of my family who are gay.”
And leave it at that. Anyone who continues on the hate rant after that, shows their true colors. And you have gently made welcome all those whom the original message left quivering in fear.
Valorie, mother of a gay kid, and former home-schooler
I can see the spot you are in. I truly am not sure what I would do. Is the email representative of the group membership, or the viewpoint of the sender only? 5s it possible you are nnot the only one offended?
Ack. I agree with the suggestions that you call it out in the list- letting it go seems complicit to me.
On our local list, there are rules about politics in general – we’ve had people reprimanded for sending out stuff like what you described as well as sending out invites to Obama rallies- it’s list policy that it isn’t the place for political debate. Drawing the parallel between misguided attacks on homeschoolers “crazy religious parents,” or “helicopter parents” might be a good place to start.
I agree you have to speak up. I’m a center right Republican and this kind of thing irks me to no end because it makes us all look like haters (which we are generally not). Of course, you do have to handle it with care to avoid creating an ugly scene. I’d simply say that you are curious what Gay Day at Disneyworld has to do with homeschooling and touch on exactly what is mentioned above regarding the way many people tend to view homeschoolers and the lifestyle choice questions we’ve all had to endure in relation to it.
See? Even though you only post once a year, we’re still here:-)
Based on what you’ve written, I think that if you don’t respond, you’ll really regret it. That said, no matter how carefully or diplpmatically respond, your statement is probably going to met with some sort of reaction — most likely passive-aggressive and non-public — that might make being in this group in the future difficult.
I guess you just need to decided if speaking up is worth losing the group over, because that’s the likely outcome. You already had to bite your tongue once, do you want your kids around bigots?
Of course, it could turn out that others feel as you do and the bigots will leave, but I feel like you have to be prepared to leave if you speak up.
I understand living in a narrow-minded area, but perhaps you could reach out to other homeschool families in the area who share your values and start your own group. Incidentally, most of my experiences with homeschool kids as a kid was via my theater troupe. The kids who were really into acting were often home schooled. More than a few of those boys were gay. Maybe check out local theater programs and see if there is a home school contingent there (not to suggest you haven’t already done this, that was just my only non-Lisa Welchel-esque home school interactions were with theater people).
In the end, I think it’s important to stand by your principles. Not because it will change anything, but because it signals to your kids and yourself that you stand by your convictions.
If it were me, I’d reply to the email. But then, I refuse to buy Girl Scout cookies in my area because they get money from the Boy Scouts of America. I realize the whole organization is different and doesn’t spread homophobia, but in Georgia anyway, the BSA gives GSA way too much money for me to buy my beloved Thin Mints again.
Hey, everyone! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment and email me. I’m still pretty stunned at the audacity of this group/member.
I ended up sending an email to the group simply asking what this had to do with homeschooling. Eventually someone ended up writing back to say the information had simply been offered to “help” families who are deciding when to educate their children about “certain things.”
I’m perfectly happy with the response because even though I quite frankly don’t believe the explanation, everyone was civil all the way around. Since we all have access to each other’s email addresses in this group, I suspect future “warnings” will be sent privately.
Once again may I say, you all rock.